Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.