"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
I have bean
thinking about you.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.