As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.