Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.