“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.