Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
The snuggle is real.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?