How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
One trick peony.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
You’re right up my alley.
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
He threw three free throws.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.