My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Wanna see my world cup in action?
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!