“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.

What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant

I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.

What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.

Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.

Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.

What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!

"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

- Groucho Marx.

I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.

What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.

The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.

What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.

Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.

Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.

“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook

The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.

A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.

What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.

You can be the queen of my kingdom.

My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash

A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.

The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.

Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!

What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.

On a Halloween night, long ago,

I went trick or treating with Margo;

We went as Jack and Jill,

And our pail we did fill,

Back in the city of Chicago.

What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.

I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story...*

What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.

As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!

I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.

Santa's Short Suit Shrunk

There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.

You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.

"No eggs-cuses."

Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.

“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."