Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns