My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Seed between the lines.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.