I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft