How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?