"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!