If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Biology - It grows on you.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
I only have ice for you.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”