Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
I’m soy into you.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
I’m soy
into you.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!