Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.

“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.

You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.

My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.

Octopus ocular optics.

If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

I can be your travel pillow.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

I eat eel while you peel eel

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

Shave a single shingle thin.

I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.

I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.

From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.

What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!

What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!

Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.

You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”

My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.

Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!

When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.

Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.

"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl

What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!

What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!

What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.

Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.

What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!

Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’

What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz

I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.

Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!

Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish