What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
I think therefore I yam.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
I have bean
thinking about you.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken