I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
Do you find bone puns humerus?
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.