What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."