You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?

Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!

What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.

Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.

You knead me in your loaf.

If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!

If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?

We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.

Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.

I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster

You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone

What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.

What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.

Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!

I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah

“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”

An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?

Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..

The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.

For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.

How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.

What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.

What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?

Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?

What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!

The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger

I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!

Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well

“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase

If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?

When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung

I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."

Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!