How about we drop the gloves and go at it?

What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.

I Got to Get You Into My Life

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.

What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!

If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.

What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.

I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.

Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less

What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.

“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash

What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons

What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!

What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!

Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?

Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.

What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.

Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.

Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.

Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson

Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.

When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.

Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous

When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”

Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.

In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.

I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?

Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.

I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.

Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.

The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".

How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?

What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”

It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.