What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

We are looking pitcher-perfect.

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.

Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!

What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.

Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.

What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles

Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.

Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.

Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!

I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”

Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.

Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.

I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.

Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.

What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.

The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner

Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.

I had a salad pun, but I tossed it

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!

What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!

Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.

Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)

Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.

I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.

“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan

You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?

Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."

- George Burns.

More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!

Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.

I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb

Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.

I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.