“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
Everybody romaine calm.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown