What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
I loaf you.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.