There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.

My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.

What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.

Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!

What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!

Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.

What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.

I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.

Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.

I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.

How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!

What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.

What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.

What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.

What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus

I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.

I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.

My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.

Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."

I’m soy into you.

Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.

What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.

"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash

What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.

Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.

What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!

What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!

What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!

Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.

If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"

Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.

“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar

I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.

You look like trash, may I take you out?

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.

How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!

I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)

Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”

– Tasha Tudor