What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Irish I may, Irish I might.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.