Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.