Eyes Jokes

A guy rings his boss and says "Sorry, I can't come to work today." The boss asks him, "Why not? Are you sick?" The guy says "It's my eyes." "Why? What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. The guy says, "I just can't see myself coming to work today."

So one day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season. "Godda**it," the hunter muttered. Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air! No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth. As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden. Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak. "Whoa." Then, from above him, a voice boomed: ”YOU'RE WELCOME."

A Physics professor had a student that was always late and always had an answer or an excuse. He decides to ask him a few questions in front of the class and put him on the spot. "Tell me, Michael, What is faster, light or sound?" "Well light, obviously." "Alright, why?" "Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound" The professor sighs and gives a you're-an-idiot look. He moves to the next student asks the same question. "What is faster, light or sound?" "Well obviously it is sound." "Uhhh what?? Why do you think this?" "Well when I turn on my TV, I first hear it and then comes the picture." Extremely annoyed the professor is now a bit pissed off. He believes that maybe the question is too hard for these pea brains and tries to vary it. The next student he asks "You are on the foot of a mountain. On the summit there is a cannon being fired. Do you first see the light of the fire or do you first hear the sound?" "Obviously you first see the light." Slightly hopeful the professor says "YES and why is that?" "Well the eyes are obviously further ahead than the ears."

Kevin gets a New Secretary. A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions. Emma (Kevin's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?" Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice." Emma: "What color are her eyes?" Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check." Emma: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?" Kevin: “Not a clue in the world." Emma: "Does she have a local accent?” Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.” Emma: "How does she dress?" Kevin: "Very quickly.” Kevin's funeral will be held on Tuesday.

A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks. The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed. “What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”

There was once a Viking who became such a powerful warrior, he decided to take up a new challenge. The Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests. He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids. Believing that their daughter was guaranteed to win in a staring contest, the couple sent a messenger to invite the Viking to Ireland to face off against her. He gladly accepted the challenge, setting sail the next day. The Viking eventually arrived at the couple's home, where he and the daughter had a staring contest which lasted for hours, and eventually days. Nearly a week had passed, and the Viking's eyes remained wide open. At this point, the girl was so exhausted that she decided to forfeit the match, losing by default. Her parents were baffled. The wife asked her husband, "How could he have kept his eyes open for so long, even against someone with no eyelids?" With no good explanation, the husband shrugged and responded "You can lead a Norse to daughter, but you can't make him blink."