A large woman goes to a plastic surgeon.
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, I really don't want to spend much money, but I want to make my breasts much bigger. How can you do that for me for almost no money?"
The doctor tells her, "You don't need surgery to do that. Just take toilet paper and rub it on your chest every day."
The surprised woman asks, "How does THAT make them bigger?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
A Shocking Royal Visit
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry." said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a BJ.
"Oh my God!", cried out the Queen, "What's happening in THERE??"
"Same issue, better health plan." Replied the doctor.
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident. He shouted “doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms.“
A Politician in the Village
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.
"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."
On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem.
"...secondly Sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in this village."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse? Gauze dammit!
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor! Who is the second coolest man in hospital? The hip replacement guy!
What kind of doctor is always available? An on-call-ogist.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't. But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry. He has a sinecure.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor. Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t PEELING well.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline. He said it got pushed back
The Young Colonoscopy Patient
A young man decides it's better be safe than sorry and decides to take an early colonoscopy exam.
As he lay on his side on the table, the doctor got ready to do the examination.
As the doctor was going in, he looked at the young patient, smiled and said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection."
The patient, embarrassed, stated earnestly, "But I haven't got an erection."
"I was talking about mine."
An arrogant, rich man passed away one day
In his will, he entrusted $100,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death.
On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetery together.
The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $80,000."
The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $30,000 for myself and only put in $70,000."
The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $100,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"
Long ago, Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in the ancient North, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the village doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm getting married next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay."
"Well I'll have to put it in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight." Said the doctor. "It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a little 4 sided splint, and roped it all together. Quite an impressive work of art for those times.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and celebrated all night drinking. After the feast, he carried her to his house. As they got inside, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, "Olaf...you're the first vun! NO vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena. Still in DA CRATE!"
A politician, 3 doctors and 3 engineers decided to climb Mount Everest.
They arrive there and start climbing the long way up the tallest climb on Earth. It's a grueling climb and they have to stop many times to rest and pull each other up.
Halfway into the climbing, the rope starts to break.
The doctors say they should all hang on and wait for help. Nobody believes they will arrive on time.
The engineers, with their quick physics skills tell everyone "One of us has to jump or else we all die!"
Nobody wanted to jump. Everyone held onto the rope with their hands tightly.
Then, the politician let out a sigh. "You people are valuable resources for the country. A doctor can save so many lives. An engineer can build so many innovative things. But what am I? A useless politician. What do I do for society? Nothing. I just give speeches and that's it." - he gives out a very heartfelt sigh.
The others were so touched, they all started clapping for the politician.
One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street.
One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat.
After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"
The carnivore replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)."
As they stepped off the curb a speeding car came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over. The carnivore called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. "I have good news, and I have bad news." He told the uninjured carnivore.
"The good news is that your friend is going to pull through. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”.
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”
An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."
The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"
The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."
"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!"
In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!"
In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!"
Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY BI**H YA HUSBANDS FU**IN' DEAD" and walked out of the room.
"Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?"
A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all."
The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.
"I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out."
The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.
The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000."
"32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor."
The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."
A woman went to her doctor's clinic.
She was seen by one of the doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
One of the younger doctors stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
She had her sit down and relax in another room.
The younger doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The older doctor smiled as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Should Brexit take place?
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,
while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the as*holes in Parliament.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear... “Who was that?”
A Pig With Nightmares
A pig goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, I’ve been having these terrible nightmares and I can’t sleep. Can you prescribe me some sleeping pills?"
Doctor: "Can you describe your nightmares to me?"
Pig: "They are all almost the same. First a man lures me with food, kills me and cuts me into pieces. Then he rubs salt all over my flesh!”
Doctor: "I wouldn't worry about it, looks like you’re going to be cured soon."
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."