My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
You seem a little mer-mad.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?