Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
We bee-long together.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Let’s list the froze and cons.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.