Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!