Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.