Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed