The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.