Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.