*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”