Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.