What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.