After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.