A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!