I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.