Community Jokes

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. "You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived... And it's getting worse. Doctor, it's getting worse!" "This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?" "Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?!?"

So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives. His friend says, "Please come back to us." The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore." His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!" Almost dropping his cup due to the tugging, the rabbit rights himself and says, "You almost made me break my favorite cup! Please leave!" His friend angrily storms off. The rabbit's wife comes out and says, "What was that about?" The rabbit says, "My friend wanted me to lead the community at the synagogue again, but I would've had to drop the tea."

Sarah's parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend. This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents. Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass. They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah. At 8PM they hear that ring. They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face. He looks like he beats people for a living. After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen. "What the heck, Sarah?" asked her mother, "Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!" "You've got him all wrong," said Sarah, irritated, "he's an incredibly nice and charitable guy." "What makes you say that?" asked her father. "Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community!"

In a small Jewish community, there was a problem: should people stand or sit when reciting the prayers? Every time they got to the prayers, half the people stood and the other half sat. The ones standing would shout, “Stand up! Stand up!” The ones sitting would shout, “Sit down! Sit down!” And the prayer would always end in chaos and argument. Realizing they couldn’t go on like this, they went to a great rabbi and asked him, “Are we supposed to stand or sit during the Kaddish?” The rabbi looked into the sources and authorities, and ruled: “There’s no biblical requirement—it depends on the custom of your community.” “But how can we know what the community's tradition was?” they asked. “Ask one of the founders of your community,” the rabbi replied. “See what they did back then.” So the congregation found a 90-year-old man, one of the original members of the community who no longer came to services, and they sent a delegation from both sides to ask him. “Are we supposed to stand?” asked the standers. “No!” said the old man. “That was not the community tradition!” The sitters beamed. “So we’re supposed to sit?” “No!” the old man answered again. “That wasn’t the custom either!” “So what is the custom?” the delegation asked. “Well,” said the old man, “what’s happening now is that half of you stand, half of you sit, the standers yell ‘Stand up! Stand up!’, the sitters yell ‘Sit down! Sit down!’, and the prayer ends in a mess and a big fight!” His face lit up. “THAT is our custom!"