I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?