"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"