I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....
.....I got off on a technicality
What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?
A hard copy.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Masturbation should be considered a craft...
as it is 100% hand made.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not Hard.
I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity
It won't happen again.
I'm planning an orgy.
It's all coming together.
I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
If Russia attacked Turkey from the Rear...
Would Greece help?
Last night I dreamed that my town’s water tower exploded.
It was a wet dream.
I nearly got sacked when I was caught masturbating on my first day starting a job as a roofer.
Luckily, the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
Why does does Santa have such a large sack?
Because he comes only once a year.
Why did Bruce Willis die with a smile on his face?
Because he died hard.
Why was two piece swimsuit invented? To separate the hairy from the dairy.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the bartender gives her one.
If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies?
Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game?
She was trying to catch some fowl balls.
What do you call a guy who is skilled in the art of oral se*?
He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish.
He who stands with holes in pockets feels nuts.
What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?
A firm believer.
Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
I got raped by an alligator the other day. I think I have gatoraids.
Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet.
It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn't block access to porn sites on the internet.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? addictionary.
What do you call hooker that likes it in her as*? a crack whore
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls