Burglar Jokes

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him. It was growling. "The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." said the parrot.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins robbing the house. The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs. Suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!" "No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible." says the criminal. "Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in with you." Yet the man again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!" "Look, I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." says the burglar, feeling a little ashamed of himself. "I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" the man is now crying. The burglar, still unwilling to budge, does find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife. "Wow," he says "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately." "Not really," The man replies in a state of frenzy, "it's just that she will be home in 15 minutes."

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort. They went to the theater and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value! And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks, breathing hard. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house! Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.") When the burglar heard this, he stopped dead in his tracks, blanched and raised two shaking hands. The woman quickly called the police and told them exactly what happened. They arrived minutes later with sirens blaring. Several officers strode in and took the unresisting man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse." "Scripture? What scripture??" replied the confused burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty. As he snuck behind the guard, he couldn't help but notice the guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying. "I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again!" He moaned. "Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore!" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob. The burglar could easily sneak past, but found himself feeling bad for the guard. Instead of proceeding with his plan, the burglar's sympathy for the guard got the better of him. He marched right down to the museum curator's office and kicked in the door. There sat the director of the museum, the head of HR, and the head of security in a meeting. "What are you doing here? How did you get pass the guard?!?" shouted the museum director. "Gentlemen," said the burglar, "I'm afraid you've let your guard down."