Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
God was just showing off when he made you.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
We like to paddy.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.