How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
Readers do it by the book.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
Herb your enthusiasm.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.