Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
It's lit.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.