Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!