How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
God was just showing off when he made you.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce