Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey