Jokes > Jokes About Men

Jokes About Men

Jokes that make fun of men, males and male culture.

What Marriage Teaches You
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?" Susan responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
The Boot Size
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered." Said the woman. "Just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
The Old Man and the Pricey Ring
An older, white-haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special." The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!" The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon." Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!" The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"
A Series of Coincidences
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." "What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " It is a special day for me. I am celebrating." "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman. "What a coincidence!" said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant." "What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs." "This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," he said. "What a coincidence." Smiled the woman.
Her Missing Husband
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest: "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yea, but who wants HIM back?"
God? I Have a Question...
GOD said: "Adam, I want you to do something for me." "Gladly, Lord," replied Adam. "What do you want me to do?" "Go down into the valley." "What's the valley?" asked Adam. God explained to him, then said: "Cross the river." "What's a river?" God explained it to him, and then continued: "Go over the hill ." "What's a hill?" God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave." "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said: "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam asked, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him too. He continued: "I want you to reproduce." "How do I do that?" "Jeez!" God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam. Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.” A little while later, Adam returned and said: "Lord... What's a headache?"
Don't Allow Your Wife to Be The Boss
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled: "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, you know who is going to tie my tie for me?!?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The Undertaker."
The Talented Hypnotist
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone!' 'No more headaches??' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache' 'I do not have a headache' ' I do not have a headache.' Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.' "That's wonderful!' proclaims the husband. His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ' A little less enthused, the husband agrees to try it and goes a few days later. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up, and her head is spinning. 'OH MY GOD!!' She proclaims. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife' . 'She's not my wife.' His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Joe Knows How to Handle Things at Home
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Firefighter Lovemaking Rules
A firefighter came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night." His wife thought it was a bit strange but also kinda kinky, so she agreed. The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" "What the hell is Bell 4?" asked the husband. The wife said, "Roll out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire."
Those Clever Nuns
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. NORTON HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF ST. NORTON HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST, NORTON HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. NORTON He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
Just Kept Walking
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open-air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. "Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
The Best Weight Loss Program
A guy heard about this amazing new weight loss company, all his friends tell him there's nothing like it for losing a quick 5 pound. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old woman dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program." Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch you, you are mine."
A Peaceful Marital Bed
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late." His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say 'WHO'S HORNY?!' She always acts like she's sound asleep. Works every time!"
These Ladies Are Taking Really Long
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes of golf, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole. The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Same problem."
The Boy and His 7 Wives
This is a the story of a 5 years old son, who, after watching a story of an Emperor on TV, said to his mother: "Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me, one can bath me...." Mum smiled and said: "Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep." After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!" Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness: "My sweet son!" "Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?" "Let them sleep with daddy!" Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness. "My sweet son!"
How to Use Timbuktu!
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
Don't Take Your Wife to Town
After 20 years of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. She figures there's no harm in it if she's there with him, after all. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a glass of red wine. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink that?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Darn, Dave, looks like you picked an angry one tonight."
The Men, The Woman and the Train Ride
Three women and three men are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three men each buy tickets and watch as the three women buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the guys. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers a woman. All of them board the train. The men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the men decide to copy the women on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the women don’t buy a ticket at all. ”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one of the perplexed men. ”Watch and you’ll see,” is the answer. When they board the train the three men cram into a restroom and the three women cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the women leaves her restroom and walks over to the restroom where the men are hiding. She knocks on the door and says in a low voice, “Ticket, please.”
The Big Lie
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 28 year old. His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?" "It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age." "Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no. "There is no way she could believe you were 40!". They exclaim. John shakes his head again. "So how old did you tell her you were exactly??" John smiles and whispers "85".
Olympic Colors
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms. Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife. "Olympic condoms?" she asks him. "What makes them Olympic, exactly?" "Well," answers her husband, "They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks with a smile. "Gold, of course!" proclaims her husband proudly. "Really," ponders the wife, "Why don't you wear Silver?" "Why silver?" asks the husband. "Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."
Her Italian Vacation
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. “Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?” He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!” When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?” “Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?” “Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for - an Italian girl!” “Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”
The Marvelous Shoes and the Gallant Husband
A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York City. The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she's ever seen. "I'd love to know where that lady got those shoes," she said to her husband. "Maybe I should ask her." The husband raises a hand. "Allow me, my love." The wife beams at him. "What a gentleman! Thanks, sweetie." The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, "Where did you get those shoes?" "I got them in a store just around the corner from here," replied the woman. "Nice. How much were they?" "Oh, around 500 dollars." "Thanks for letting me know." The husband returned to his table and said to his wife, "She got her shoes in Los Angeles."
A Man's Biggest Wishes
A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground. Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he wants. “First,” says the man, “I want a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers and a briefcase full of money materializes out of thin air. The man is wide eyed in amazement and continues, “Next, I want a Ferrari.” The genie snaps his fingers and a Ferrari appears from a puff of smoke. The man continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” The genie snaps his fingers and the man promptly turns into a box of chocolates.
The Old Switcheroo...
George came home from University in tears. "Mom, am I adopted?" "No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?" George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" he replied. "What do you mean?" she asked. "It was your idea in the first place" her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him." "I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."
The Fortune Teller and the Bad News
During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
3 Men in Heaven
The Day of Judgment came, and all the people in the world who were worthy reached heaven, where the heavenly angels divided them into men and women. The angel Gabriel was revealed before all the men and ordered them to stand in two rows; One would be all the men who had retained their strength in the relationship, and the other - men who had surrendered to their wives. Meanwhile, the women were taken elsewhere, apparently to pass their own test... Of course, as soon as the women disappeared, most of the men immediately made their way to the first row of men who stood their ground, did not give in and wore the “pants” in the house. But under the scrutiny and judgment of the angels, they slowly began to wander to the second line of the submissive men. So it went on for a long time until finally there were only three men left in the first row, while the second row lengthened and extended beyond the horizon. Gabriel looked at this scene with a very disappointed look and turned to all the men: "You should be ashamed of yourself, you were created in the image of the Creator, and the woman was created from your bones, but you have allowed yourself to let her rule over you, only these three men are exceptional and I am sure they can teach you a thing or two." “Hey you,” he said to one of the three men, "How do you describe your relationships? How do you feel knowing you are one of the most special men in the world?" "The truth?" answered the man, "I was lonely or stuck in unhappy relationships all my life, and now that we are here, my greatest regret is that I did not treat women better." The surprised angel did not lose his enthusiasm and hurried to ask the other man how he described his relationships in life. "All my life I've gone from relationship to relationship, I've never found love and I've always wanted to change my ways and treat women better, now I can never do that ..." he said and burst into tears. The confused angel hurried to the third man. "Please tell me, you seem quite satisfied and relaxed, what’s your secret, how did you manage to be the only man in the world who controls his relationship, that stands his ground, doesn’t give in to women, and still looks so sure of himself?" "I'm sorry but I don’t have an answer for you," said the third man. "I'm just standing here because my wife told me to wait here and not move until she comes back ..."
Whose Panties Are These???
A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her! Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!" The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here." "Nah," said the husband musingly, "she doesn't even wear panties."
Now That We're Married...
Linda decided to tie the knot with her long time boyfriend, Roy. One evening, after the honeymoon, Linda was was organizing her law books. Her husband was standing nearby watching her. After a long period of silence he finally speaks: "Linda, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit lawyering. You spend so much time in the courtroom. You could probably get a good price for your books." Linda gets this horrified look on her face. Roy says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-husband." "Ex-husband!" he shouts, chagrined. "I didn't know you were married before!!" "I wasn't."
The 16 Year Deal
On a warm summer night, a young lady entered the butcher shop with startling news for the butcher: The baby in her arms was his. Nonplussed, the butcher didn't know what to do, and eventually offered the only thing he thought he could - he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home, he told his mother what the butcher said. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years... then come back and tell me about the expression on his face!"
Back Next Page