Jokes > Dad Jokes

Dad Jokes

Corny Jokes that are only funny because they are silly, crazy or make no sense.

Jack Paints the Inside of the Church
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine. Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
A Peculiar Mummy
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel Museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "That's not something you can just determine on hand! Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
A Couple of Canaries
Once upon a time, there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!" The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!" So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I was too forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first?" To which she replied again, "No, thanks!" Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, "Well, could we at least talk?" This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."
The Ashes
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He turns green in disgust and horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
The Boy, the Donkey and the Old Man
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
The Easter Bunny Gets Run Over
Once upon a time, there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was. The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."
A Bee Attends a Bar Mitzvah
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." "No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away. A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yamaka," said the second bee. "Why do you have it on? You're not Jewish." "No, but I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
The Blonde and the Trees
A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. “My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?” “Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the woman, drunk as a skunk, chirped. “Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the inebriated woman began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…” “Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off. “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles - that was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
The Trout Brook
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience. Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!" The other replied, "No, it's not!". The first man said, "Yes, I recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side." To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover."
A Boy-Broom and a Girl-Broom
All of Broomtown was abuzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple. The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little whisk-broom. "But, how can that be?!?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!!"
Questionable Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Gifts From China
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What happens if this doesn't work?' The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILED'. Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel but it wouldn't even switch on. He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee. The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'
A Few Drinks
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard. The driver says, "That is great. My wife and I do that every night." The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.” The driver says, "Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set." The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks, "How was it?" The passenger answers, "It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks." The driver looks at him funny and says, "TEN drinks?" The passenger says, "Yea, after two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"
I Know Exactly Where to Put You
One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job. After filling out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss. The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job. Also, a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress. The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it. The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on. The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start. The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division - Snap, Crackle, and Pop should work out fine down there."
The Senior Couple and the Travel Agent
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came into his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me... Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Every Last Detail
A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more. After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation. Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief: "What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?" Without hesitation, the chief replies: "eggs". The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". “Scrambled,” the old chief replied.
A Very Clever Dog
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" "Genius, my butt - It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
The Three Bananas
A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, such an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After a while, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Dang! What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Too bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!" "It's not the bananas." Sighed the prisoner. "I'm just a very bad conductor."
The Big Bastard
A priest goes on a fishing trip with a few others and some sailors to help them. A few hours in, he suddenly hooks a very big fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that Bastard!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Bastard fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge Bastard!" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that bastard and we could have it for dinner." So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this bastard for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a bastard", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that bastard tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the bastard!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the bastard!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the bastard!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a long moment with a steely gaze, leans back in his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what? You schmucks are alright."
The Most Social Person
Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come. "I'm sorry Boss," Said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it seems I know everyone there is to know. Anyone famous at least." "What do you mean?!?" Asks the boss with derision. "Who can you possibly know?" "Name someone famous," shrugged Dave, "I'll bet you I know him." Amused, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about... Tom Cruise? You know Tom Cruise, Dave?" He smirks. "Oh yeah boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Though impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Trump," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
10 Long Years
A man travels on a ship. Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it's so unknown that no ship ever comes near it. 10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come. As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet-suit. She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes. She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him. “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man. “It’s been 10 years,” he replies. With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. “Man, that is good!” he says, sighing in pleasure. “And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks. Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years. Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask. The man opens it and takes a swig. “This is the best day of my life,” he says, grinning. The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and looks at the man seductively. “Now, how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she asks seductively. With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs. “Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a game of twister in there!”
The Firefighting Hero
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm rang in all surrounding fire departments. When the firefighters arrived on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station that could bring out the company's secret files. But the firefighters still couldn't get through. From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that small run-down fire engine roared right past all the new sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds. He walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you planning to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."
Charm School
Two socialites are conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive." Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman boasted, "Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cried. "For heaven's sake, child, what on Earth for?" "Well, it comes in very handy. For example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a damn,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'
The cowboy and the scary warning
A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to wash the dust of the road off of him. He gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, pounds the floor with his foot 3 times. All those present stop and stare at him silently. "Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right outside and I need to go to perform my ablutions right now. When I come back, I will go check outside and, if my horse is not there, it will mean everything will have to be just as it was that time when I was in Texas. Don't let it happen here, hear?" Without uttering another word, the cowboy walks to the washing room and closes the door. Every single person in there starts talking among them and asking 'what was it that happened in Texas?' non-stop without getting an answer from anybody. The bartender certainly didn't know, and it seemed as if nobody had gotten any news yet of what happened in Texas the time the cowboy was there. The cowboy is taking too long and everybody almost starts panicking and praying for whatever happened in Texas not to happen in there. They get progressively more agitated each minute that passes. The fear in that room grows so strong that nobody leaves his seat or wants to do it at all, not even to check if the horse is still outside or if anything happened with the cowboy. Luckily, the cowboy comes out walking calmly and fixing his belt. The room gets quiet once again while the cowboy keeps walking towards the exit. He gets to the door, opens it and takes a step outside to check on his horse. With the room still in silence, the cowboy steps back in and looks around with a face of satisfaction. "Gentlemen, you did well. My horse is still outside. Keep on drinking in peace. Farewell fellows." Everybody in the bar sigh in relief. As the cowboy walks outside and is climbing on his horse, a guy from the bar comes running to him. "Sir," the guy says in haste, "you put everybody in the room in deep anxiety for whatever happened in Texas. The tension could be felt in the air as nobody knew what was it that happened over there the time you were in Texas. Sir, please, could you tell me what was it that happened in Texas?" "Well my horse got stolen," the cowboy said thoughtfully, "I had to go and buy another one."
Everything is Bigger in Texas
A blind man is unafraid to travel and experience new things around the world. Eventually, his travels take him to Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is huge!” “EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!” says the bellhop cheerfully. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are enormous!” The bartender disclaims: “EVERYTHING is big in Texas!” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and the poor guy falls right in. The few swimmers there were shocked when a man suddenly popped his head up from under the water flailing his arms and screaming, “Don’t flush, DON'T FLUSH!!!!!”
The Old Acorn Tree
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." The old man beat the boy to the gate.
The Old Lady and the Money Bags
A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake. He calls the woman to halt and approaches her. "Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out. The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks: "Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?" "Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation. "So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'" Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks: "Is the second bag filled with money too?" "Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."
The Adoptive Circus Parents
A husband and wife go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. They are well dressed and well spoken, and the social workers are quite impressed with them. However, when asked about their profession, the couple said that they run a circus. Hearing that made the social workers raise an eyebrow. It didn't sound so good to them, an environment with animals, that is moving all the time? Doubts were raised about their suitability as parents. So the couple produce photos of their 55 foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a large and spotless nursery. The social workers are happy to see this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, proper nutrition and exercise - all that a child requires." Their questions met with such excellent answers, the social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What ages were you looking to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as they fit in a cannon."
The Circus is in Town
A couple is finally going out to a nice dinner. “The Magic Clown Circus is coming to town next week,” she said. “The poster says they have real acrobats. I always wanted to see one of those.” “Maybe next year, Lisa.” says the man. “I'm super busy at work right now.” The next night at dinner, before the man even sits, the wife bursts out excitedly: “The neighbors went to the show today and said the acrobats were doing the Macarena, the whole thing - on a tightrope! Can you imagine?” “Honey, I’d love nothing better than to take you,” said the man. “But you know Frank will be mad if I don’t get this project done in time." The following night Lisa gushed about how apparently a dozen clowns had popped out of this teeny-tinsy-tiny car and did the Hokey Pokey in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing the neighbors had ever seen. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but he had a job to do. He left while his wife was still talking excitedly about goats doing the Cha-Cha. The night after, the wife was quite sad and morose. “Donald, My tennis coach said last night the lion tamer and the elephant rider did a waltz and it was just the most perfect scene!” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?” Donald mulls it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show. The next day at work the boss notices his best employee is out and inquires about it with the friend. “Ah yes,” says the friend. “Donald won't be coming in today due to four unseen circus dances.”
The Bungee Jump in Mexico
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know David, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." David thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps... He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the David notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, David isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, David misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, David finally catches him this time and says, "Arquette! What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy lifts his head weakly and says, "No, the cord was fine. But David, tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"
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