Crime and Prison Jokes

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort. They went to the theater and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value! And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink. Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25 year duration. The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. "Might as well pass the time drunk." He said. The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. "Might as well have her lovely company." said he, and the loving wife agreed. The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. "It's the only thing that will calm me down all these years." They are locked inside, each with his wish. 25 years pass... It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men. They open the first prisoner's door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He himself in a corner, wasted and hardly alive. Then they open the second prisoner's door, and a whole family steps out - babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell. Then they open the third prisoner's door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand. "Does anyone," he asks with a broken voice, "have a light?"

A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" "Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" asked the surprised interrogator. "You see," explained the professor, "since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."

Three bank robbers: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. Are trying to evade the police when they come across a farm. Being short on time and options, they all decide to hide in the barn. The redhead hides near the horses, the brunette hides near the cows and the blonde hides in a pile of potatoes. When the police come to search the barn, first they come to the horse stables. The redhead lets out a hefty "neeeyyyy", the cops are convinced that the horses are indeed alone, and the redhead escapes. The police then search the cow pens. The brunette saw what the first robber had done, and belts out a deep "mooooo". The cops are again convinced and the brunette is able to escape. The police finally turn to the stall where the Blond has hidden. The blond, seeing how easily the other two had gotten away, decides to use the same method. So as the police officers came close they suddenly hear: "Potato!"

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned. At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it. "How is that possible?" said the officer. "That wall was solid concrete!" The warden quietly inspected the cell. After a few minutes, he exited and said, "He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole." The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist. However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall. And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes. The warden declared, "According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open." Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician. Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation. The officer sighed. "After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed." The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled. "It appears," the warden said, "that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall."

One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead. They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said: 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.' The officer kicks the red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and she screams: 'POTATOES! POTATOES!'

Three Russian men are sitting in a jail cell together. One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.